The Parental Dilemma

In a very simplistic nutshell, a successful parent raises a child to be able to make good decisions as an adult.

The dilemma is that after spending 20+ years choosing, guiding, protecting, and overseeing their every move you don’t actually know how well you have taught and how well they have learned – until you step back and let them succeed or fail on their own. This totally contradicts every move you have made for 20+ years. But one day they say “I Do” and you have to say “I won’t”. And then they get confronted with a BIG decision which will raise the all important question – “who makes the decision?” Again, they must say “I Do” and we must say “I won’t” – but it’s not easy. How much advice do you give before it crosses over into telling them what they should do? (When they are kids you basically tell them what to do but try to make it sound like advice) Will I be able to make the transition?

My beautiful oldest daughter Mary is very smart, creative and talented. Her husband Matt is apparently very much her equal in these regards. Their unique talents and focuses are in different fields but there is every indication that they will each excel in their chosen careers. Matt graduated from college and stepped right into his dream job (computer game designer/programmer) almost two years ago. Mary graduated last year and is now working on her masters (Colonial American History/Artifacts - museum stuff) which will take another year still. So in a sense, Matt is three years ahead of her on the career track, and was recently recruited for a prestigious position. What could be better than your dream job? Doing your dream job on a ground breaking project under the direction of Steven Spielberg – that’s what.

But it would require moving to Los Angeles.
But it would be working with Steven Spielberg.
But it would be a major setback in Mary’s career track.
But it would be a top secret project – with Steven Spielberg.
But it would be a difficult move -- logistically, financially and personally.
But it would be a promotion on a top secret project with Steven Spielberg.

In the end we are proud to say they made a wise decision, and I believe in the end, mostly on their own. They recognized that all that glitters isn’t guaranteed to be gold, and that the risk and anxiety and disruption of their current good life was not worth the bragging rights or a promised new life. Matt loves his current job, which he is very good at and his talents are clearly recognized and appreciated. Mary loves her current studies and is clearly honing her talents towards a fruitful future. They love each other and their surroundings. They have a very good life and are smart enough and wise enough to recognize and appreciate and embrace it. They have decided to keep it.

I wonder if this will make it easier to not interfere with their future big decisions. We really had to measure what we said and how we said it. (I think Susie & I did a good job!)

Will it be easier to do the same for the other children when their times come?

At what point do we get to say we were successful parents?