The Heart Of The Matter

“The call came yesterday I didn’t want to hear,
but I knew it had to come”

"there are people in your life who come and go
they let you down, you know they hurt your pride
you gotta put it all behind you 'cause life goes on
if you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside
It’s time to get down to the heart of the matter
‘cause everything changes
and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it’s about
forgiveness,
forgiveness,
even if, even if you don’t love me anymore”

The Heart Of The Matter by Don Henley

And the call did come. I wasn’t sure if it would, or if we would have it out at one last practice. In the end, the band member who seemed to be most on my side (or at least the most understanding of my side) got to be the one who called to let me know I was no longer in the band – they were moving on without me. I had spoken up too much, voiced too strong of an opinion, called them out when they said they would do one thing but immediately did the opposite. In the end, I think Rob mostly agreed with my point of view but couldn’t successfully defend me against the other angry members (of whom he was still band-mates with). I can’t help but think that he and I could very easily and successfully put our own band together – but of course it never was my intention to break up the band and I certainly would not feel right in suggesting it now. It would seem very vengeful and vindictive and possibly be construed as pre-meditated – none of which is true. (I may very well call him in a couple of months just to see how they are doing, though. I admit that part of me would be happy to hear they were stalled – and I would absolutely consider suggesting a new project with Rob in a heartbeat)

I believe the heart of the matter is this:
in Joni’s mind it was her band - even though she refused to publicly say so (she actually publicly rejected the idea of herself as the leader) and she hated confrontation and would avoid it as much as possible (but she got edgy if things didn’t go her way). When I auditioned, they narrowed it down to me and another guy. They called us both back with some thought of keeping us both and going as a 5-piece band (but the other guy bailed out the day of the return try-out). In retrospect and pure speculation, I wonder if she liked the other guy but Rob (or even Rob & Ken) liked me, and then when the other one dropped out she was stuck with me. To her credit, she never tried to hide the fact that she thought we should look for a 5th member – but she (initially) lost the vote. When I announced I couldn’t make it to her family cookout/band gig she was seriously distraught and insistent that the gig had to be played, it was critically important to her personally and for the band, and we HAD to and would find someone to fill in. And of course it would be hard to request somebody come learn a bunch of our songs on short notice, be the lead singer, for free, and not be offering him a continuing fulltime membership if he wanted it. This is when Bill came into the picture, and being a good friend of Ken’s meant she now had three of five votes in her favor. The funny thing is, when Bill first came to listen to us, he couldn’t understand why we would want him – we sounded too good (and the short prep time before the cookout gig was too daunting of a task). Whether he simply changed his mind or was talked into it I’m sure I will never know, but after turning us down he surprisingly did an about face and accepted enthusiastically.

So as I understand it (from general conversations and comments I picked up on) the gig went only so-so, but Bill was determined that this could turn out very good. He also repeatedly expressed how Joni’s vocals should be much more heavily featured (and of course he had a ton of songs of his own to offer). I know – this is where it becomes hard to retell the story without me sounding jealous or egotistical or threatened or paranoid – but despite my belief that a 5th member only complicated things, I made every effort to cooperate and figure out how to make it work. It helped that Bill had a lot of songs I really liked. But now with a majority bloc, Joni, Ken and Bill started speaking out that I had too many songs, we had too many worn out tunes, and too many bland tunes – and that we had to hit the brakes, back up and start over. And this is where I took a stand. I didn’t mind giving up songs – I had been actively trying to get the others to increase their own lists (and after discussion, everybody admitted this was true). I disagreed that slow songs aren’t dance songs – of course they are (and after discussion, everybody agreed). I disagreed that people are sick of hearing the same old songs – they WANT to hear songs they know (and after discussion, there was at least some agreement from all). I insisted that if we were so close to being ready before, we couldn’t be too far away now – but if we attempted mass renovations of our song list, we would never make it out of the garage (this is when we discussed the 2 in & 2 out concept and everybody CLAIMED to agree).

Rob told me over the phone that the others thought maybe I was trying for a power play. I suggest that Joni pulled off the real power play – slowly and steadily. I suppose I played right into it, but I also can envision that it was all just a matter of time. I wasn’t her choice, I tried to move us along, she didn’t trust my methods or my agenda – but she couldn’t say it (I’m guessing she didn’t even confide this to Ken or Rob).

I wondered what she would say to me when I went to her house to remove my amps and equipment from the practice garage. Would she be apologetic, cool but polite, angry? I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me but when I showed up, Joe (Joni’s husband) politely helped me pack my stuff and offered to pay me for the new strings I had just put on Joni’s mandolin. Despite the fact that her car was there, Joni never appeared - deftly avoiding a possible confrontation again.

So it’s over. In the end I can’t be mad at them. I feel sorry for them – Rob because he was really eager to get going and this is a big setback, especially considering that at least two other band members will be trying to determine the direction of the band which bears his name (Joni actually suggested the band name, not Rob) – Ken because all of the crap was coming down days before his daughters wedding – Bill because he was just the “new guy” trying to get with the flow, and he quickly figured out what direction the tide was flowing – and Joni because she should be able to put together her own band, a good band, the way she wants to but if she refuses to be the leader of her own band she will forever find herself avoiding confrontations with whoever dares to direct things – and desperately trying to turn things around to her satisfaction with out offending anybody. That is a tall task.

I am deeply disappointed as to how things turned out, but forgiving them is actually fairly easy and just feels right. I take responsibility for my own contribution to the situation, and I accept the consequenses. I feel better already.

“The ending of the tale is the singing of the song”
Simple Man by Graham Nash