Thursday, November 29, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
I Love Stupid Hockey Coaches
Seriously, I do!
Just when things on the ice are getting sloppy and the kids are hacking foolishly and it’s just turning into a frustrating game to referee , a coach will usually come through with some STUPID remark or question – so dumb that it makes me chuckle for the rest of the day. The best part is when it’s a coach who’s whole demeanor has been “I’m Mr. Bigshot Coach”.
So Sunday I had my “Stupid Coach of the Day” experience during my 3rd & last game of the day. This was a game between the "two best teams in the division" (so OK, it’s the “C” league – which if you can figure out from the normal hierarchy of things, means it’s not the “A” league or even the “B” league – so being the two best is a relative issue). The teams were indeed better than most “C” teams – faster, better stickhandlers, more aggressive and harder hitting. The problem is that “C” players usually haven’t learned to “hit” correctly, and these guys were proving it as fast and often as they could. As I whistled my 6th penalty of the first period and was explaining to the player that you can’t legally check an opposing player who does not have the puck. Coach A of the home team overhead this statement and started in.
(Coach A) “WHADDAYOUMEAN they can’t check someone without the puck?”
(me) “Coach, your player was the puck carrier. The only person who can be legally checked IS the puck carrier. Therefore, your player can’t go and throw a check at the opponent.”
(Coach A) “WHAT? You mean to say if I have the puck and someone is about to hit me that I can’t hit him first?”
(Me) “That is correct”
(Coach A) “That’s BULLSHIT”
(Me) “That’s a bench minor penalty. Now you need to put another player into the penalty box.”
You can probably infer that by my labeling him as “Coach A”, there is going to be a “Coach B” (see how much smarter than hockey coach you are!)
Now about half way through the 2nd period and a dozen penalties and twice as many verbal warning to players during the course of action, I’ve had enough and resort to a stunt that I haven’t used in 10 years. I stop the game (but not the time clock) and tell the coaches of both teams that I want to speak to the team captains. As a courtesy (and because 14 year old “C” hockey players occasionally aren’t too bright either) I speak loud enough so that the coaches (and the parents who are now 80 feet away and behind me) can hear what I have to say. I tell them that they WILL NOT continue to play with their hands and sticks up around the head. I tell them that they WILL NOT continue to chase opponents half way across the ice to hit them. They WILL NOT crash into the crowd in front of the goalie after the whistle has blown. From this point on they are going to keep their sticks down and their hands close to the body.
(Coach B) “So your not gonna let them play hockey?”
(Me) “Not this kind of hockey. I encourage them to play the kind of hockey where they don’t try to remove somebodies head.”
(Coach B repeats, because these things apparently sink in slowly) “So your not gonna let them play?”
(Me) “That’s right Coach. I will not allow them to play they way they have been playing.”
Now, because technically I’m speaking to the team captains, I ask them if they understand my instructions. They claim they do, and that they agree to play the game under my conditions. I tell them to go back to their benches and let their teammates know that if they don’t play better that we will play the rest of the game 3-on-3 with two players always in each penalty box ‘til the end.
Not too long later, and after a few more penalties by the home team (the visiting team appeared to have taken the hint),
(Coach B quietly asks me) “Are you gonna keep calling these for the rest of the game?”
(Me) “Coach, that’s up to you and your players.”
(Coach A – in a weak attempt at humor, offers) “I hope you don’t wear out your whistle”
(Me – in the most sincere and professional voice I can muster at the moment) “That’s OK. I always carry a spare.”
Just when things on the ice are getting sloppy and the kids are hacking foolishly and it’s just turning into a frustrating game to referee , a coach will usually come through with some STUPID remark or question – so dumb that it makes me chuckle for the rest of the day. The best part is when it’s a coach who’s whole demeanor has been “I’m Mr. Bigshot Coach”.
So Sunday I had my “Stupid Coach of the Day” experience during my 3rd & last game of the day. This was a game between the "two best teams in the division" (so OK, it’s the “C” league – which if you can figure out from the normal hierarchy of things, means it’s not the “A” league or even the “B” league – so being the two best is a relative issue). The teams were indeed better than most “C” teams – faster, better stickhandlers, more aggressive and harder hitting. The problem is that “C” players usually haven’t learned to “hit” correctly, and these guys were proving it as fast and often as they could. As I whistled my 6th penalty of the first period and was explaining to the player that you can’t legally check an opposing player who does not have the puck. Coach A of the home team overhead this statement and started in.
(Coach A) “WHADDAYOUMEAN they can’t check someone without the puck?”
(me) “Coach, your player was the puck carrier. The only person who can be legally checked IS the puck carrier. Therefore, your player can’t go and throw a check at the opponent.”
(Coach A) “WHAT? You mean to say if I have the puck and someone is about to hit me that I can’t hit him first?”
(Me) “That is correct”
(Coach A) “That’s BULLSHIT”
(Me) “That’s a bench minor penalty. Now you need to put another player into the penalty box.”
You can probably infer that by my labeling him as “Coach A”, there is going to be a “Coach B” (see how much smarter than hockey coach you are!)
Now about half way through the 2nd period and a dozen penalties and twice as many verbal warning to players during the course of action, I’ve had enough and resort to a stunt that I haven’t used in 10 years. I stop the game (but not the time clock) and tell the coaches of both teams that I want to speak to the team captains. As a courtesy (and because 14 year old “C” hockey players occasionally aren’t too bright either) I speak loud enough so that the coaches (and the parents who are now 80 feet away and behind me) can hear what I have to say. I tell them that they WILL NOT continue to play with their hands and sticks up around the head. I tell them that they WILL NOT continue to chase opponents half way across the ice to hit them. They WILL NOT crash into the crowd in front of the goalie after the whistle has blown. From this point on they are going to keep their sticks down and their hands close to the body.
(Coach B) “So your not gonna let them play hockey?”
(Me) “Not this kind of hockey. I encourage them to play the kind of hockey where they don’t try to remove somebodies head.”
(Coach B repeats, because these things apparently sink in slowly) “So your not gonna let them play?”
(Me) “That’s right Coach. I will not allow them to play they way they have been playing.”
Now, because technically I’m speaking to the team captains, I ask them if they understand my instructions. They claim they do, and that they agree to play the game under my conditions. I tell them to go back to their benches and let their teammates know that if they don’t play better that we will play the rest of the game 3-on-3 with two players always in each penalty box ‘til the end.
Not too long later, and after a few more penalties by the home team (the visiting team appeared to have taken the hint),
(Coach B quietly asks me) “Are you gonna keep calling these for the rest of the game?”
(Me) “Coach, that’s up to you and your players.”
(Coach A – in a weak attempt at humor, offers) “I hope you don’t wear out your whistle”
(Me – in the most sincere and professional voice I can muster at the moment) “That’s OK. I always carry a spare.”
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Last canoe trip of the season
Aunt Maria sent an email saying a couple of trees had come down at the pond, and although the canoe (that I had chained down there for the summer) was spared, I probably want to take it home now. Julie, Nikki, Yon, and Tim were the only people at home awake (Sue was in a heavily medicated sleep due to her bad back medicine). Julie was the only child to volunteer to go with me to get it. We decided that being a beautiful sunny albeit cool day, we should at least bring the life jackets and paddles (and warm coats and gloves) and take one last cruise for the year. The water in the pond was unusually low so Julie started by walking the shoreline to the left -over to the Rainbow Girls Camp looking for once-sunken treasure.
Then we paddled out into a light breeze and explored around the Camp Kiwanee boat dock area. We could hear the sounds of men’s voices and hammering and sawing up around the camps main lodge. As we drifted past below, we spotted my brother David and another guy working on side slope between the lodge and the waterfront. After chatting from our floating vessel for a few minutes, we headed back to our own piece of beach and hoisted the canoe onto the roof racks of the car. While I strapped the canoe down, Julie now went to the right, through the Cranberry Cove swim area to explore the now accessible shore along the Kiwanee side of the pond. Ater catching up with her, we followed the long uphill path to the Kiwanee Lodge to see what David was indeed up to. David and his friend Joe were mildly surprised to have unexpected company – particularly David when he then realized “Oh, that was YOU GUYS in the canoe we were just talking too!”. We got the run-down about the “viewing platform” they were going to build, then we joked about getting out before they roped us into helping. Of course, within moments they did – realizing that the two extra sets of hands would indeed be handy in lifting, balancing, and nailing into place the rough platform supports and bracing. After about 15 minutes of manual labor and wisecracks about how they should have hired a professional carpenter (which of co
urse Dave actually is) we were on our way again. Seeing that Aunt Maria was now home (she wasn’t when we came in) I figured we should take a few seconds to let her know we were indeed taking the canoe home. Of course this “few seconds” turned into a half hour, joined by cousin Maureen. On our way out we checked out the “split-in-half-but-not-yet-fallen” tree in Maureen’s yard that was potentially threatening to drop on her roof at the next good gust of wind.
All in all a very pleasant, unexpected, and rare stretch of relaxing middle-of-a-beautiful-day quality time for me and my Julie.
Happy Autumn!
Then we paddled out into a light breeze and explored around the Camp Kiwanee boat dock area. We could hear the sounds of men’s voices and hammering and sawing up around the camps main lodge. As we drifted past below, we spotted my brother David and another guy working on side slope between the lodge and the waterfront. After chatting from our floating vessel for a few minutes, we headed back to our own piece of beach and hoisted the canoe onto the roof racks of the car. While I strapped the canoe down, Julie now went to the right, through the Cranberry Cove swim area to explore the now accessible shore along the Kiwanee side of the pond. Ater catching up with her, we followed the long uphill path to the Kiwanee Lodge to see what David was indeed up to. David and his friend Joe were mildly surprised to have unexpected company – particularly David when he then realized “Oh, that was YOU GUYS in the canoe we were just talking too!”. We got the run-down about the “viewing platform” they were going to build, then we joked about getting out before they roped us into helping. Of course, within moments they did – realizing that the two extra sets of hands would indeed be handy in lifting, balancing, and nailing into place the rough platform supports and bracing. After about 15 minutes of manual labor and wisecracks about how they should have hired a professional carpenter (which of co
urse Dave actually is) we were on our way again. Seeing that Aunt Maria was now home (she wasn’t when we came in) I figured we should take a few seconds to let her know we were indeed taking the canoe home. Of course this “few seconds” turned into a half hour, joined by cousin Maureen. On our way out we checked out the “split-in-half-but-not-yet-fallen” tree in Maureen’s yard that was potentially threatening to drop on her roof at the next good gust of wind.All in all a very pleasant, unexpected, and rare stretch of relaxing middle-of-a-beautiful-day quality time for me and my Julie.
Happy Autumn!
Friday, November 02, 2007
Running Up Plenty (GO PAT'S)
(sung to the tune of RUNNING ON EMPTY by Jackson Browne)
Looking out at the turf rushing under Moss’s heals
Looking up at the ball in the sky, and the mismatch he’s revealed
He’s 6foot 5, and jumps 12 feet high, and they’re covering him three-on-one
And I know where he’s running now, he’s just running on
Running on – scoring a touchdown
Run it up – run it high
Running up – scoring ‘til the last gun, leave you so far behind
Gonna do what we can just to make it so you babies cry
Now don’t be confused, we can whoop you without the need to spy
Scores 69 to your 17 and we’re throwing to 81
Of course we could take a knee but that’s just no fun
Piling on – another touchdown
Run it up – run it high
Running up – scoring ‘til the last gun, leave you so far behind
Every team we beat, we beat them so complete
That they need some reason to believe that it must be that we just know how to cheat
If you stay and fight, that’ll be alright
We’ll just send 5 guys wide, and our dust you will eat
Looking out at Wes Welker and Randy and Stallworth and Watson and more
I don’t know how to tell you all just how easy it seems to score
Tom looks around for the pass rush but his offensive line won’t let them through
Just for a little surprise, well we can run it too
Running on – another touchdown
Run it up – run it high
Running up – scoring ‘til the last gun, leave you so far behind
Belichek’s really tempted To make opponents lose their mind
He’d love to stick it to them and make them kiss his behind
You know I don’t even know why they're wasting our time
Playing out the 4th quarter when they’re so far behind
Looking out at the turf rushing under Moss’s heals
Looking up at the ball in the sky, and the mismatch he’s revealed
He’s 6foot 5, and jumps 12 feet high, and they’re covering him three-on-one
And I know where he’s running now, he’s just running on
Running on – scoring a touchdown
Run it up – run it high
Running up – scoring ‘til the last gun, leave you so far behind
Gonna do what we can just to make it so you babies cry
Now don’t be confused, we can whoop you without the need to spy
Scores 69 to your 17 and we’re throwing to 81
Of course we could take a knee but that’s just no fun
Piling on – another touchdown
Run it up – run it high
Running up – scoring ‘til the last gun, leave you so far behind
Every team we beat, we beat them so complete
That they need some reason to believe that it must be that we just know how to cheat
If you stay and fight, that’ll be alright
We’ll just send 5 guys wide, and our dust you will eat
Looking out at Wes Welker and Randy and Stallworth and Watson and more
I don’t know how to tell you all just how easy it seems to score
Tom looks around for the pass rush but his offensive line won’t let them through
Just for a little surprise, well we can run it too
Running on – another touchdown
Run it up – run it high
Running up – scoring ‘til the last gun, leave you so far behind
Belichek’s really tempted To make opponents lose their mind
He’d love to stick it to them and make them kiss his behind
You know I don’t even know why they're wasting our time
Playing out the 4th quarter when they’re so far behind
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
