I Love Stupid Hockey Coaches

Seriously, I do!
Just when things on the ice are getting sloppy and the kids are hacking foolishly and it’s just turning into a frustrating game to referee , a coach will usually come through with some STUPID remark or question – so dumb that it makes me chuckle for the rest of the day. The best part is when it’s a coach who’s whole demeanor has been “I’m Mr. Bigshot Coach”.

So Sunday I had my “Stupid Coach of the Day” experience during my 3rd & last game of the day. This was a game between the "two best teams in the division" (so OK, it’s the “C” league – which if you can figure out from the normal hierarchy of things, means it’s not the “A” league or even the “B” league – so being the two best is a relative issue). The teams were indeed better than most “C” teams – faster, better stickhandlers, more aggressive and harder hitting. The problem is that “C” players usually haven’t learned to “hit” correctly, and these guys were proving it as fast and often as they could. As I whistled my 6th penalty of the first period and was explaining to the player that you can’t legally check an opposing player who does not have the puck. Coach A of the home team overhead this statement and started in.

(Coach A) “WHADDAYOUMEAN they can’t check someone without the puck?”
(me) “Coach, your player was the puck carrier. The only person who can be legally checked IS the puck carrier. Therefore, your player can’t go and throw a check at the opponent.”
(Coach A) “WHAT? You mean to say if I have the puck and someone is about to hit me that I can’t hit him first?”
(Me) “That is correct”
(Coach A) “That’s BULLSHIT”
(Me) “That’s a bench minor penalty. Now you need to put another player into the penalty box.”

You can probably infer that by my labeling him as “Coach A”, there is going to be a “Coach B” (see how much smarter than hockey coach you are!)

Now about half way through the 2nd period and a dozen penalties and twice as many verbal warning to players during the course of action, I’ve had enough and resort to a stunt that I haven’t used in 10 years. I stop the game (but not the time clock) and tell the coaches of both teams that I want to speak to the team captains. As a courtesy (and because 14 year old “C” hockey players occasionally aren’t too bright either) I speak loud enough so that the coaches (and the parents who are now 80 feet away and behind me) can hear what I have to say. I tell them that they WILL NOT continue to play with their hands and sticks up around the head. I tell them that they WILL NOT continue to chase opponents half way across the ice to hit them. They WILL NOT crash into the crowd in front of the goalie after the whistle has blown. From this point on they are going to keep their sticks down and their hands close to the body.

(Coach B) “So your not gonna let them play hockey?”
(Me) “Not this kind of hockey. I encourage them to play the kind of hockey where they don’t try to remove somebodies head.”
(Coach B repeats, because these things apparently sink in slowly) “So your not gonna let them play?”
(Me) “That’s right Coach. I will not allow them to play they way they have been playing.”

Now, because technically I’m speaking to the team captains, I ask them if they understand my instructions. They claim they do, and that they agree to play the game under my conditions. I tell them to go back to their benches and let their teammates know that if they don’t play better that we will play the rest of the game 3-on-3 with two players always in each penalty box ‘til the end.

Not too long later, and after a few more penalties by the home team (the visiting team appeared to have taken the hint),
(Coach B quietly asks me) “Are you gonna keep calling these for the rest of the game?”
(Me) “Coach, that’s up to you and your players.”
(Coach A – in a weak attempt at humor, offers) “I hope you don’t wear out your whistle”
(Me – in the most sincere and professional voice I can muster at the moment) “That’s OK. I always carry a spare.”