A unique birthday challenge

It has been a time of transition around here lately. One child is married and recently became a home-owner; one, tho still at home, has become more independent; two are away at college most of the time; two are working hard at being stereotypical sullen teens; one is debating following his closest role models or forging his own unique path. No more kids are in the foreseeable future, and neither is employment for me, so having a bread-winning Mom and a stay-at-home Dad appear to be the designated roles around here for a while. After more than a year of my unemployment, the kids haven’t fully embraced my omnipresence and in all honesty, neither have I. “Mom” is still the go to guy and I am the unavoidable lecturer who goes on and on about right and wrong. As they didn’t respond well to my Christmastime speech regarding them all having disposable income and the social correctness over actually getting their parents some sort of gift for Christmas, I decided a different approach might be more useful regarding my birthday. We often employ a technique we refer to as the “3 Things” response. When we are driving home from a [vacation/event/visit] everybody is asked to declare 3 things they enjoyed. This forces them to say out loud something positive about the experience, reminding them that it wasn’t as horrible as they might otherwise lead you to believe. It occurred to me that this approach might be useful as an alternative to a birthday gift – more like a challenge, to me as well as them. This is the note I gave to each of my children two weeks before my birthday.

Dad’s birthday request:

I have decided that for my 56th birthday, none of my children need to suffer through the decision over what to get me for a gift. Although I will gladly accept any thoughtful gift you might offer me, my true wish is simply for a special and personal birthday card.

In an effort towards self-improvement and a better relationship with my children, I ask for a special “Super Edition” of the “Three Things” routine you all know and love so well. I am asking each of my children to give me an individual birthday card – homemade or store-bought – either is fine. On the inside I want you to write a total of 9 lines;

• Three activities I wish my father would do/share with me.
• Three things I wish my father would do more of, or less of.
• Three things about me I wish my father would brag about to others.

The only rules I apply to this are;

• Each line must be honest and sincere.
• These cards are to be delivered to me by Saturday February 26^th.

This way, as of my actual birthday I will be prepared to start acting on your recommendations

Love, Dad

Although I think I am aware of what my kids like to do, many times they appear reluctant to do them at my suggestion, so maybe I am mistaken and using out-dated knowledge. Clearly there are personal habits or traits that annoy my children, and maybe there are things I used to do that they enjoyed that I have gotten out of the habit of doing. And many times they express their distaste of being talked about to other people – but of course, we are parents, and therefore are always looking to brag about our kids, or look for sympathy from other grownups who might have survived similar experience. I was very intrigued to see what about themselves they had sufficient pride over and would give me permission to discuss with others. I of course thought that this was an ingenious concept, and worried that some of them might stubbornly refuse to cooperate with the idea. Needless to say, I spent two weeks pondering and predicting who might say what, who would surprise me, who would disappoint me, and how would I respond to the challenge of then following through addressing and acting upon the suggestions put forth to me.

Well, the 26^th came, and 6 out of 7 had their birthday cards all prepared (1 declared he didn’t know it was due on that day, but he did voluntarily hand it to me before going to bed on the 27th). One rented a zip-car to surprise me on Saturday to drop off the card (well, and to pick up some things – his surprise was when he discovered we wouldn’t be home from Maine until long after he had to return the vehicle), and the two normally sullen teens were actually waiting in prideful (or ego-driven) anticipation for me to look over their cards. Each one had their own different and individual style, ranging from artistic to analytically profound to minimalist to thoughtfully sweet. Responses ranged from general ideas to very specific; “I wish Dad would have a Beatles Bash on February 9^th” ( the anniversary of them appearing on the Ed Sullivan show) and “I wish dad would ask me less questions about school” and “I wish dad would stargaze with me” to ‘I wish my dad would’ “ help me learn new stuff” and “talk more” and “take time to do the things you love”.

One respondent had voiced a pre-emptive concern about not having any accomplishments worthy of bragging about, while others I suspect had trouble limiting themselves to only 3 items. There were two store-bought cards, three hand-crafted cards, one hand-scrawled list on white lines paper, and a one-page essay response, carefully formatted, punctuated and typed which concluded with “The last question was easy for me, although I was a bit surprised that it was included considering it’s a birthday card for dad, not me. Why should I talk glowingly about myself when everyone knows that’s not how I like to carry myself. Nevertheless, the question was asked so I must respond.” [I wish my dad would brag about] “ - my enjoyment of the outdoors in all its forms and wonderment, - my approach to 10,000 mile on my bike, expected by late summer/early fall if I ride at the same pace from the years 2007-2010, - my knowledge involving numbers, and all applications of such (i.e: Calculators, Calendars, Measurements, etc…”

I also did receive one actual gift – homemade fudge (someone had paid attention over the years!)

So let me proceed forth from here on the right foot by planning a hiking trip, a canoe/kayak trip, some campfire singalong nights, and by bragging to all who read this what a great job my children did at honoring my birthday wish by responding in the manner in which it was intended. Maybe I have taken them for granted and underestimated them in too many ways. Here’s to a better year and better relationships with my terrific kids – a challenge I fully intend to live up to.