Helplessly Hoping
So - I'm not sure I want to blog. I clearly see it as a dangerous proposition - not because somebody might see it and take exception to what I say or that I might leave myself vunerable to scorn or critisism, but that maybe nobody cares. I was told by a very wise person that most people who blog do so simply as a private journal - that it is not necessarily meant for public consumption nor to initiate an exchange of comments and ideas. Most bloggers do not expect feedback, and they expect to remain anonymous I am advised. This sounds strange to me because if I blog, if I post my personal thoughts, philosophies, gripes, dreams - I am going to be deeply disappointed if nobody responds. I would want the validation of knowing somebody agrees with me, or the enlightenment of someone who has a different perspective that I have overlooked. I could attempt to remain anonymous, but all of the people who I told to "Check out this blog" are smart enough to figure it out. This brings up the "writing for a specific audience" conflict. When you know who is reading it, can you really be free and honest? The intelligent answer is "No". As a blogger, I am dangerously exposing my inner self - offering to let others know me better and more intimately (although there are always things that you simply don't need (or probably want) to know). For this to be useful, you must actually know me to begin with so you can compare my autobiographical me to the live-in-person me. Then you can fill in the gaps with what we don't get the time or space to share (parties with 20 friends - some vague, some close - aren't good "getting-to-know-you" events), or throw out the crap when I am just trying too hard to be intelectually deep and meaningful.
As a writer who personally knows most of his readers, I don't want to hurt or disappoint them so I have to be cautious what I choose to say - which limits my ability to let you know me completely (which was part of the premise for doing this in the first place). My dilema is that I have plenty of things I would love to discuss with plenty of people (which might come as a surprize to some of you already). But I don't self-edit that well in improv settings and I am very insecure that you will "understand or grant me the benefit of the doubt" when it comes out not quite right. So - am I better off having acquaintences who happen to view me in a good enough light ("his wife is great so he must be OK and he plays the guitar pretty good"), but not deep friendships? Should I let you all in on my thoughts and emotions at the risk of it back-firing? Does anybody care what I have to say or am I just being presumtuous and bothering you with info that you never asked for?

If I choose to blog, these are the issues that I face. If you read this then I have put pressure on you to respond - but how will I know if it is because I touched you in some way and you are honoring me with your feedback, or that you feel you had to simply to not hurt my feelings? Then we have two people corresponding - neither of whom feel safe enough to be totally free and honest with each other. Then what's the point. One of my problems is that I usually can see and understand the value of many sides of an arguement - I just can't tell which one is the side that suits me best. (I know the glass can be half full or half empty and why, but I can't tell you which view is me - it does help me help discern other peoples problems, though) .

So- (the final "So" for today) - if you wish to know me, read the lyrics to "Helplessly Hoping" by CSNY. There I am in a simplified nutshell. Obviously there is more but I might never offer it while I am "wordlessly watching, waiting by the window and wondering". Typically, people assume I don't wish to share because I don't invite it. Typically, I wait and hope that somebody is interested enough to ask (You don't know why I'm so stand-offish, I don't know why you don't approach me). One person once did ask and now she's stuck with me til death do us part. If THAT doesn't scare you out of responding.......
See - I told you this could be dangerous!